My cage...my confession

Its been ages since i last poured my heart out on here. But recent developments have brought out this raw emotion within me. a part of myself which i had buried deep down inside. Emotions, attachments, intimacy and disclosure all words i had stripped away from my life. I let loose.
These past 6 months i was foolish enough to try and reconnect with people. In the process i ended up feeling exposed and more hurt than before. I thought i had changed, become more strong and brave ready to get back out there, to feel and receive love. instead when it actually came down to it i ended up hurt and saw myself falling back into old habits. its like im attracted to the wrong people, i keep sabotaging myself. this reminds me of the saying that the heart wants what the heart wants. in my case my heart wants specifically those people that want to break my heart and destroy my very core.

My experience with people have not been that pleasant.  i shy away from all kinds of relationships, attachments, i hate feeling vulnerable and i hate trusting someone because of some experiences which haunt me till today.  

At first I struggled to accept that i should remain alone. But then for a really long time i had made peace with this notion. i was fine on my own, in my shell away from people. keeping everyone at arms length. 

With time i realised that i was missing out on not only life but i had stopped growing as a person i was stagnating. All this self destruction and for what. what was i aiming to accomplish all this for. why was i so hell bent on being alone?, shying away from people that were remotely kind to me, helpful and in some instances even loving towards me. It dawned on me I was so used to living inside a box, in captivity that i forgot what it felt like to be free. just like how caged birds keep coming back to their cage. I too was more afraid of freedom. I was more comfortable inside the box away from everyone with whom i could form attachments. i wasn't ready to allow myself to experience any kind of happiness and love. I use to stay away from people that i found remotely good or kind. I refused to make friends, i refused to make small talk in class or at home. I refused to show any emotion especially those of love, care and affection towards anyone.

Recently i felt that my solitude was leading me towards stagnation. it wasn't helping, my mantra i am an island. i was still in pain, i was still hurting i was still being tormented by forcing myself to stop feeling to deny my nature. so then i decided to get back out there to just let go, to let lose myself to allow myself to feel love and affection for another human being. but with one major difference, i thought living a life of solitude had better prepared me for interaction with others. 

"man!, was i wrong to assume that." guess i'm still as naive as can be. 

NO matter how one slices the cake, choosing to be alone or interacting with people, there will be moments when i will be hurt, broken, in pain and depressed.
But with the latter option i will no longer be stagnating in my place. instead with each bad experience i will become more mature , i will learn to adapt to change, i will become more flexible more accepting of others and my own shortcoming. 

I am still afraid to leave my cage completely for i frequently return to it to find solace but i am more afraid to stagnate.